My ADD life

Life. My God when it’s going good things feel good, tension is easy, and life can be laughed at. But oh crap let it be going crazy and it’s like a carnival ride. The sad thing is that life is like that ride 99% of the time. What makes us who we are is how we deal with it. I don’t seem to be doing so well lately. My stress level is high, I seem to be anger ridden, and my poor ADD mind is jumping from one thing to another. I have learned that as a person with ADD I need, no I have to have structure. Without it I have no focus, I have no memory, and I have no idea of my life’s purpose. I don’t usually create day, week, year or lifetime goals because I never know where my brain will take me. I try and have habits and structure so that I can “live” my life. Meaning I do what I have to do to make it to work and home and then to bed for the next day. Lately my life has been thrown in chaos. Not that this is bad it’s just hard. It’s because of circumstances beyond my control. It may end up...

So here I am again a frustrated bundle of anger. This seems to happen a lot lately. It usually always has to do with my frustration over miscommunications. I say something and the other person does not understand. The other person says something, and just to be clear I repeat it back to them only to find out that’s not what they said. Now I don’t know if this is an age thing, an ADD thing or an I’m just losing my ability to communicate. Whatever it is it frustrates the crap out of me. As an example: For my job I design using computer aided drafting (CAD). Today I was given instructions on drawing a piece of equipment and my boss and I were looking at the paper and I said so you want me to put the pole here and drew a dot on the sheet, he agreed and I went off to draw. When I took it back in there he said I did it wrong and that you could not put a pole there and acted like I was an idiot. When I showed him the mark up he just said I misunderstood. Now if this was a onetime thing I ...

Two post, one day, Wow that’s a record for me. I have several people in my life that always say I want to write a book. I say “Bully for them”. I myself have never had that desire. So why have a blog. To be completely honest I don’t know. I guess as an outlet. I don’t usually journal because I have had my journals read and my privacy invaded so why do it. It’s easier and safer to just keep it in your head. So now why blog. I guess it’s because I WANT people to read what I write. I want people to comment. I want my thoughts to matter in the universe. I hate paying attention to punctuation and verbiage (which is why I don’t write a book). I quite writing on the blog because no one looked and no one cared. I may stop again for that reason but for now I write to put my energy somewhere other than in my head.

The feeling of being scared is one of the worst feelings there is. For me this is what fear looks like. I get cold and I feel it down to my bones. It’s the kind of cold that takes your breath away and makes breathing difficult. No matter what you do the cold seems to permeate your soul. I feel trapped in my cold body and my body feels tingles all over. Although you may feel safe in a place all it takes is a memory or a thought to put you back into that fear. Fear does not mean you are in a situation where your life is in danger. It can be a fear of failure, of disappointment, loss, or even succeeding. I have been experiencing much of this fear lately. I am having to learn how to deal with it and live with it. However every once in awhile it creeps up and catches me off guard. These are the times I dread because these are the times when no matter how much you guard yourself and protect yourself you get knocked on your ass. It’s when you think you can trust someone and they do something ...

Been awhile since I wrote and today seemed like a good day. I am on my way to the beach with my good friend. The ride so far has been very good for me. We were able to talk about things we have in common some good and some bad. Its amazing when in life you find someone that you have a real connection with. I am not talking about a sexual thing but more of a mental thing. Gwen and I seem to have that. Never in my life have I met someone that in the first meeting I felt as if I had known them all my life. Again we seem to have that going for us. I feel as if I can tell her anything and I will not be judged. Since losing mother I have felt so lost as if my life has been turned upside down. My life is right now in great turmoil and I am making changes. Some think I am insane in the changes being made but some think it is past time for that. I know that for me my life must change or I will drown in unhappiness. I may be screwing my life up, and if I do that is on me,...

Mona also was a teacher and a friend. She was around when I was in the 6 th grade. She was our Music teacher. She instilled in me a love of music. Until I met her I had no idea that I could sing. I fell in love with singing with a little help. She also gave me the first lessons in self esteem. Until I met her I felt very little worth. I remember the first time she called me a nut and I was so hurt. Her response was “Nuts grow on trees, trees are part of nature, and God made all of nature”. She was the first to make me understand that ALL things made by God are beautiful.

Today I want to talk about my ex, Cheryl. We were together for four years. During this time we danced, played and lived out our twenties. She taught me that yes white women can dance and she was very good at it. I still can not move my hips like her. She also taught me never to play Trivial Pursuits with someone like her. She never lost. I hate that game now. She loved to travel and we did do some of that together. She showed me that sometimes it’s ok not to plan out a trip. She taught me to have “pride” in who I am. Most of all she taught me to laugh at all situations, from tents lifting on the wind, to cow sounds in hotels. The shocker to all this is that we are still friends, and although we don’t talk often when we do it’s like we have never had silence between us.

Today I celebrate my Therapist Connie. I was thinking what has she done or said that has shaped the woman I am…. Well jus about everything. I have been seeing her for about 9 years and in that time she has helped me through many crises. We talk about everything from history to current events. She is always on my side, and although I pay her to be on my side I think she would be anyway. In our discussions we found that in many ways we are very alike. The thing though that gets her here in this list is that she has helped me to see that I am a good person who can have emotions without falling apart. She has helped me to learn how to trust my own feelings and see that I am a strong woman. I am not through with therapy (God know I probably never will be) but I am a better person for it. I just wish more people in my family did it. So Thanks Connie for all you do, say, and don’t say. And thanks for saving my life.

My women for the day are my best friend, partner, lover and soul mate. Dawn and I met at MCC Church in Atlanta in 1990. For me it was love at first sight. We still talk about our first date and laugh until we cry over the memories of that night (it’s too much to get into right now, remind me later). We have been though some really hard times that included being unemployed, sickness, deaths and separations. We also have had some really good times like, vacations, Holy Unions, our animals (or our children) and being together. She has taught me much over the years and I have taught her. We decided that one of my callings from God is to be her spouse, because had I not been there she would not be here today. She knows me better than myself sometimes (which can be scary) and can read me like a book. Without her I feel very incomplete. So this blog I dedicate to her. The she in me.

For those of you concerned thank you. I feel much better today. I think I needed a day of rest. My soul needs down time and I have not had that in a few weeks. Today I slept till 9 played my game (Wizard 101), read and above all got a hair cut. A hair cut may seem like a small thing but to me it is the best feeling in the world. I don't go to some fancy parlor and pay a huge amount, I just go to the cheapest place. It is the act of having the hair removed that is the difference. To me its like the cares of my life being trimmed off. It sound stupid when I say it out loud but its how I feel. So the other thing is this book I am reading "When Women were Warriors Book 1" by Catherine M. Wilson. I really like it. The story follows this young women who goes to a land away from her family and is companioned with a warrior. It's their story and how they are from two different worlds and yet they come to trust each other and count on each other. There is a passage in the...

Enough already! I have always heard the God would not put more on you than you can handle. SO STOP IT ALREADY, I CAN”T BREATH ANYMORE, I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE; BACK OFF. I don’t know if I was heard, no one listens to me anyway why should God. I really do feel as though the elephant is on my chest. I can no longer breath, I just want to sit and cry. In my family I have to be the one in control because I am the only one that is either no mad or will see things as they really are. My mother will only do things at the threat of me being call or me going there. My spouse is without a job and sleeps all day and stays up late playing. Bill collectors are calling and telling me I’m late. Friends make me feel bad for being firm with my family and telling them to buck up. My boss always finds fault and never praises. My house is a total mess. If there were a fire we would die because we could not get out. It looks a lot like those hoarder shows or something from “Clean House”. And then you have the...

I have found myself reading a lot of Lesbian fiction (mainly love stories) and I really need to ease up. Its not the sex or anything instead its what it does to me. First it makes me not want to do anything else but read. This is not good seeing as I have a job and all. I just can not get enough. Second it makes me question my love life. I hate that. I know that I am with the person I love and she loves me. The question comes in with are we each others soul mates. Am I truly the best person for her and she for me. I know that I feel very empty without her and miss her when we are apart. Since I grew up with a warped sense of love I just don't know. I look in the mirror and all I see is a plain, overweight, aging, sometimes bitter woman who feels in a hole. Ok yes I know this is depression and I need help. Alright lets just say I am overtired and very bored with life. And yet life just goes on. PS here is one of the books I have indulged in lately.

I had to spend three days recently in a hospital with my mother who had a stroke. While in there with her I realized, or should I say it was made clearer, that my mother is a bitter old woman. She puts on an act for many so they don't see it. The bad thing is that my sister, who is already under a large amount of stress, takes the brunt of mothers meaness. I don't get as much because I am out of town. I hate it though because I sometimes find myself afarid I will end up like her. So today I saw the quote from below and decided I needed to read this everyday and try and change my attitude about life. So here I go changing again. Stay tuned and hold on. "May today there be peace within you. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith and belief in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with ...

I know there are some people out there who think long distance relationships are ok. I can tell you this is not for me. Right now D is in South Carolina and I am stuck in Tennessee. We do talk to each other every day, sometimes two or three times. The thing I miss is having someone to watch TV with, eat with, help let the dogs in and out, laugh and the stupid things people do and just the day to day contact. I guess that people that do well with this type of arrangement have many friends. I thought I had many friends here but I am finding that the list is not long at all. D asked if I had reached out to anyone and I had to say no. I mean it is a full time job working 40 hours, trying to get the house cleaned, take care of animals, pack and purge. When do I have time to reach out. As I said on facebook I am sad that I have lived here for 20 years and yet I feel more alone than i have in my entire life. IT SUCKS!!