My ADD life

So here I am again a frustrated bundle of anger. This seems to happen a lot lately. It usually always has to do with my frustration over miscommunications. I say something and the other person does not understand. The other person says something, and just to be clear I repeat it back to them only to find out that’s not what they said. Now I don’t know if this is an age thing, an ADD thing or an I’m just losing my ability to communicate. Whatever it is it frustrates the crap out of me. As an example: For my job I design using computer aided drafting (CAD). Today I was given instructions on drawing a piece of equipment and my boss and I were looking at the paper and I said so you want me to put the pole here and drew a dot on the sheet, he agreed and I went off to draw. When I took it back in there he said I did it wrong and that you could not put a pole there and acted like I was an idiot. When I showed him the mark up he just said I misunderstood. Now if this was a onetime thing I ...

Today is a day of pain. I am in many different types of pain. My bodily pain is strong today. Many times I can think away the bodily pain and I don’t feel it. This is not one of those days. My joints ache and sitting at my desk (which is what I do all day) hurts. Although I know standing would be no better. I am not a woman who sheds many tears but today there will be many shed. I am in emotional pain as well. Today seems to be one of those days when all of my loss is pouring in on me. The loss of not only my mother but the loss of a group community and the possible loss of a relationship. The loss of my mother seems to be hitting me hard today and last night. I was laughing about a conversation my sister and I had with our Dad about the birthday cards my Mom use to send us. She always included twenty dollars and we were trying to tell him she sent us hundreds but he saw right through the joke. That’s when it hit me I would not be getting that card this year that I so looked forward...

As those of you who have bothered to read my blog you probably noticed that I did not finish my women series. I do plan on finishing. In fact it is very important to me that I finish. I just had life get in the way right now. March 19 th my mother died. I have not been able to write about that or anything so far. The last month has been very hard for me and I do want to get on with life and know that I will, it’s just I don’t do well with emotional things. Maybe I will try and write a little a day, or at least try. For now this is the best I can do as I go through my grief.

Today’s woman use to be a big part of my life, her name is Barbara. She is my ex’s (Cheryl) mother. I know you are not supposed to like your Mother-in-Law but I did. Barbara ran what we lovingly referred as the Dunwoody humane society and home for wayward homosexuals. There were five people (four of which were gay), six dogs and usually a cat or two living in one house with Barbara being the house mother. She took care of us and we took care of her. I learned that not all parents reject their gay children and some even welcomed friends and partners of their gay children. I miss our talks and our laughs. I learned that it’s ok to be a woman on your own and that you don’t have to have a man around unless you enjoy his company. When Dawn and I got together I sort of lost contact with Cheryl and her Mom and I regret that because I do miss Barbara and I miss her as a Mother.

It’s ironic that I chose today to write about my mother. This morning she went back into the hospital with heart problems this time. I fear that we may be getting to the end of her life, but she still kicking. My mother and I have a strange relationship. As a child I feared her and was always trying to get her approval. As an adult I have felt sorry for her. I look back and see someone who on the outside looks nice, happy and friendly.   However being inside the family I see someone different. I see a woman who I am not sure was ever happy. Don’t get me wrong I love her because she is my mother but it makes me sad that she is not nor can I remember her having joy. I get much of my stubbornness from her, which is not a very good trait. So today I worry about her and I think about her and I love her because that really is all I can do.

Today’s topic; my sister Angela. If anyone had told me thirty some odd years ago that we would be friend I would have laughed at you. When we were younger we fought all the time. We played tricks on each other and told on each other. At one time I thought I hated her. I am not sure when all of that changed but it did. When I was in my twenties I know I did not communicate much with her. This was mainly because I was too caught up in my Lesbian life. After I met Dawn, Angela and Dawn seem to become friends. When we decided to have a Holy Union we invited her (we thought she understood our relationship and somewhat supported it), this set our relationship back several years as she was very against what we were doing. It took many more years for the relationship to repair itself. Now though I think we get along great. When we are together we laugh till we cry and we tell each other our sad stories. I know that she is going through tough times and I wish I could help her. I am thankful tha...

My women for the day are my best friend, partner, lover and soul mate. Dawn and I met at MCC Church in Atlanta in 1990. For me it was love at first sight. We still talk about our first date and laugh until we cry over the memories of that night (it’s too much to get into right now, remind me later). We have been though some really hard times that included being unemployed, sickness, deaths and separations. We also have had some really good times like, vacations, Holy Unions, our animals (or our children) and being together. She has taught me much over the years and I have taught her. We decided that one of my callings from God is to be her spouse, because had I not been there she would not be here today. She knows me better than myself sometimes (which can be scary) and can read me like a book. Without her I feel very incomplete. So this blog I dedicate to her. The she in me.

So it’s women history month and on the way home yesterday I started thinking about products for women. It started when I was watching a women walk in front of my car with these shoes that were spiked and pointy. In my head I thought “you know some man had to come up with that idea because no women would think of that torture”. That led me to thinking about dresses and how I hate them but some women love them and this led to how at one time all people, including men wore dresses (You can see the ADD working in my brain). I wondered when this just became a women thing. Then I went back to the shoes and thought you know if the shoe hurts why wear it. I mean if my feet hurt I am so miserable. If I don’t like what I wear I am miserable. However, being short and rotund, most clothes are not made for me. I really like sticking to my jeans (or khakis if at work) and tees (or golf shirts at work). I should not, although, think ill of those women who do like the fashion they wear. I just don’t u...

I was thinking of my mother this morning, which lead me to thinking about my life and attitude. I do not want to end up like my mother. She seems so unhappy and seems to have no joy in her life. It made me think what brings me happiness and joy in my life. I have things that come to mind immediately like Dawn. I know that without her I feel less complete and when we both are feeling good (not depressed) then we have a lot of fun just being together. My second thought is of my dogs. They show me what it truley means to love unconditionally. They don't care what I have done or have not done they still meet me at the door with love it their eyes. I also think of my neice and nephew. They make me proud and I love to talk with them. I am not saying that these beings don't make me mad or hurt me its just that I know that losing any of them would hurt me greatly. So I guess the question is what brings you joy and happiness?

Enough already! I have always heard the God would not put more on you than you can handle. SO STOP IT ALREADY, I CAN”T BREATH ANYMORE, I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE; BACK OFF. I don’t know if I was heard, no one listens to me anyway why should God. I really do feel as though the elephant is on my chest. I can no longer breath, I just want to sit and cry. In my family I have to be the one in control because I am the only one that is either no mad or will see things as they really are. My mother will only do things at the threat of me being call or me going there. My spouse is without a job and sleeps all day and stays up late playing. Bill collectors are calling and telling me I’m late. Friends make me feel bad for being firm with my family and telling them to buck up. My boss always finds fault and never praises. My house is a total mess. If there were a fire we would die because we could not get out. It looks a lot like those hoarder shows or something from “Clean House”. And then you have the...

I had to spend three days recently in a hospital with my mother who had a stroke. While in there with her I realized, or should I say it was made clearer, that my mother is a bitter old woman. She puts on an act for many so they don't see it. The bad thing is that my sister, who is already under a large amount of stress, takes the brunt of mothers meaness. I don't get as much because I am out of town. I hate it though because I sometimes find myself afarid I will end up like her. So today I saw the quote from below and decided I needed to read this everyday and try and change my attitude about life. So here I go changing again. Stay tuned and hold on. "May today there be peace within you. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith and belief in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with ...