My mothers end

I think it is time to begin talking about my Mom and my life since she has died. I never knew that her dying would have such a profound affect on my life. Someone told me recently that since she died I have raised her to sainthood status in my mind. I don’t think that is true. I know who and what my mother was. I always saw her as a bitter woman one that was never happy. However at her funeral I saw that she had many friends and was loved by many.

So about my mother. I never felt that she really loved me though I am sure in her way she did. I always felt strange telling her that I loved her. Like that in some way she would think me weak. Because of this I am not sure that I even know what love is anymore. I know that I also felt strange hugging her or showing any affection towards her. But despite all of this I did love her. I always wondered why she seemed mad at everything but I wonder now if she was just unhappy with us. In my adult life I always blamed myself thinking maybe it had to do with me. I mean others saw her as a loving happy woman.

I have spent much of my life trying to make my mother proud and yet never felt like she was. Now she’s gone and I feel as though I have failed in life. I can never get approval. So now I am lost and feeling as if my life is falling apart.

In February my sister called and said mothers leg was not working. In her typical way she did not want to go to the hospital but I finally convinced her. They said she did not have a stroke but did not know what was wrong. I went and spent four day with her in the Hospital, sleeping in a chair. I did this because I cared. I did it in spite of her getting mad at me when I insisted on calling the nurse for everything. I did this because I loved her. It killed me because the woman who had always been the strong person she was seemed so weak and frail and I tried to ignore this fact. I tried to pretend she was ok and would pull through like always. She did get better and went to a home for recovery.

She was in the home for a week when she started having trouble breathing, so they took her back to the hospital. The next time I saw her she was in CCU and was in a sort of semi conscious state. She could have visitors for 15 minutes three times a day. I and my family were there in between visits just sitting and waiting. It was so hard seeing her like that. I remember telling her I loved her and she said she loved me too. When I told her that I had to go back home she reached for my head and just kept saying no, no, no. I just knew she would still pull through. That week they finally found the infection; it was in her dialysis port and needed to operate. They lost her on the table and had to put her on life support. When I went the next weekend she was in a coma and I never spoke to my Mom again. Her last words to me were no, no, no. We had decided to take her off life support and were making arrangements. My sister and I went in and talked to her to tell her it was ok if she wanted to go that we would take care of Daddy and we knew she was tired.  She started losing her heart beat. We gathered around her bed with the preacher. I was on her side holding her hand. The preacher started to say a prayer and I was watching the monitor. At one point her said “Lord if it her time to go take her” and at that moment my mother died. I felt her life in my hand one moment and the next it was gone.

Right now this moment this very second I feel so lost. My life is spinning out of control and I can catch myself, and I feel as if I don’t want anyone to catch me. I just want my mommy.