You have asked for my forgivness
Forgiveness, a word I have never truly understood. According to the dictionary it means: to give up resentment or to cease to feel resentment against. Resentment is defined as: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistant ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury. Sounds so simple. The problem is that is runs deeper than that. If I am in a theater and the person behind me kicks my seat and says I’m sorry I didn’t mean to do that I can easily say no problem and think just don’t do it again. If my partner makes me mad about something and says she sorry I just get over being mad (sometimes this may take a little time) I look at the big picture and say no problem. If someone does something that I have asked them not to do again I get mad and will eventually say no problem. So why talk about my problem with forgiveness? Here is where I have a problem, it’s the big things. Lets take two things going on in my life right now. Someone in my life sent an email that should have been just for me. I am in the process of moving and have for the past five years taken care of the Church web page all by myself. I have asked and begged for help and have had offers but nothing came of it. I’m ok with that but now that I am leaving someone HAD to take over. I found two people willing to do that and I needed to train them. However, we could never seem to get that together. Keep in mind that I pay for the page and the church pays me back, so my credit card info is tied in here and so is all my personal information. So anyway I was sent this email saying that I was holding the Church back by not just giving the password to someone. That because of me people were unable to find us on the web and could not get information about us. Now I would have been mad but I would have said no problem. The problem came when I saw that the said email had been sent to all people on the churches email list. This includes people who don’t even go to the church. I was furious. In my mind now all these people are thinking why would she do such a thing and to a Church at that. In reality they probably did not pay any attention but still they all saw it. Now the person has asked me for forgivness, I do not wish them ill will but I am still very mad. I do not trust this person now and feel this is something that should have been handled one on one between me and the person, by speaking not though email or other people. I will say the words but to me they feel empty. The second example is that I was sexually abused as a child. I have been told that I need to forgive those people as well. Again I do not wish them ill will (I don’t want them killed or to die) but in this case again it’s just saying the words. I think the problem is that to me to forgive is to say no problem, it’s ok what you did. In both cases I don’t think what the person did was ok and I was wronged. However, I also know that in both cases I can do nothing about it, it was done to me not by me. So yes I forgive you, but I still was wronged and I don’t trust you, and I don’t respect you anymore.
The response that must be made, and is begged for in tears, is that each of us has been wronged. And each of us has wronged. The obligation specifically required of Christians is to forgive in the same measure that we have been forgiven. The question is , "Have you received forgiveness?"
ReplyDeleteI have an example that only God could have provided. I watched one Sunday as a member of my church family asked a member now resident elsewhere "So when are you and your wife going to provide us with children?" Not knowing that a recent separation between the member and the spouse had taken place, the member was startled when the visiting member broke into tears and dashed from the sanctuary. Another member explained to the naive questioner what had recently occurred, and the reason the member had suddenly exited. My dear member almost knelt in such guilt as to have offended, and asked the explaining member for forgiveness. Not easily done ... the offender could have greeted the member privately with such a question. The offender could have asked a broader question. But she didn't. She certainly didn't mean to offend, nor would most people have thought the question inappropriate. Just the right question at the wrong time and place, and in front of too many people. I wonder if this parable rings true? I know that the offender has been forgiven. I took the time to follow up to see. Forgiveness is hard work, and is incomplete until reconciliation has occurred. Cf Matthew 18-20 for better examples than I can give. Sounds like you've taken the first step in taking the issue seriously. I suggest you talk directly to the one who offended you. It's worth the effort but requires a particular kind of courage, that I suspect only comes through the grace of Christ.
Since I am the one that this person comments about let me say that I have been a friend of the families for years and the person I offended also. What I said was said in jest and I did not have all the information. I did however know what I did and exactly when I did it. I also made the comment only in front of the person and two of their family members. I made the comment face to face and as soon as I had all the facts I appoligized. I did not yell it out in front of a bunch of people nor did I go and scream it out on the street for all to hear. My comment did not make the person look bad in others eyes. I think this is the difference. But I have been known to be wrong.
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