My ADD life

Have you ever noticed that new love is like new life. With new love comes the feel of adventure and excitement in all that is around you. You find you have no time for the old things and instead want to spend every waking hour with this new creature in your life. Sometimes it is just like in the books and films about love. Everything around you seems good and right. I say all this and think well maybe thats how it is for me. Maybe I am the only one that sees life as one big spring season. Like the feelings inside you that are like new blossoms on the long dead tree or the new flowers opening their petals to the warm sun. Even though life is great and grand and all new it has its down side. For each person that downside is different and with each relationship its different. Sometimes its the lack of sleep because of being with or talking to the person all the time. Sometimes its the fact that you lose yourself by becoming so absorbed with this new creature. And sometimes its even the fa

The feeling of being scared is one of the worst feelings there is. For me this is what fear looks like. I get cold and I feel it down to my bones. It’s the kind of cold that takes your breath away and makes breathing difficult. No matter what you do the cold seems to permeate your soul. I feel trapped in my cold body and my body feels tingles all over. Although you may feel safe in a place all it takes is a memory or a thought to put you back into that fear. Fear does not mean you are in a situation where your life is in danger. It can be a fear of failure, of disappointment, loss, or even succeeding. I have been experiencing much of this fear lately. I am having to learn how to deal with it and live with it. However every once in awhile it creeps up and catches me off guard. These are the times I dread because these are the times when no matter how much you guard yourself and protect yourself you get knocked on your ass. It’s when you think you can trust someone and they do something

Been awhile since I wrote and today seemed like a good day. I am on my way to the beach with my good friend. The ride so far has been very good for me. We were able to talk about things we have in common some good and some bad. Its amazing when in life you find someone that you have a real connection with. I am not talking about a sexual thing but more of a mental thing. Gwen and I seem to have that. Never in my life have I met someone that in the first meeting I felt as if I had known them all my life. Again we seem to have that going for us. I feel as if I can tell her anything and I will not be judged. Since losing mother I have felt so lost as if my life has been turned upside down. My life is right now in great turmoil and I am making changes. Some think I am insane in the changes being made but some think it is past time for that. I know that for me my life must change or I will drown in unhappiness. I may be screwing my life up, and if I do that is on me, but I must change and I

I think it is time to begin talking about my Mom and my life since she has died. I never knew that her dying would have such a profound affect on my life. Someone told me recently that since she died I have raised her to sainthood status in my mind. I don’t think that is true. I know who and what my mother was. I always saw her as a bitter woman one that was never happy. However at her funeral I saw that she had many friends and was loved by many. So about my mother. I never felt that she really loved me though I am sure in her way she did. I always felt strange telling her that I loved her. Like that in some way she would think me weak. Because of this I am not sure that I even know what love is anymore. I know that I also felt strange hugging her or showing any affection towards her. But despite all of this I did love her. I always wondered why she seemed mad at everything but I wonder now if she was just unhappy with us. In my adult life I always blamed myself thinking maybe it had

Today is a day of pain. I am in many different types of pain. My bodily pain is strong today. Many times I can think away the bodily pain and I don’t feel it. This is not one of those days. My joints ache and sitting at my desk (which is what I do all day) hurts. Although I know standing would be no better. I am not a woman who sheds many tears but today there will be many shed. I am in emotional pain as well. Today seems to be one of those days when all of my loss is pouring in on me. The loss of not only my mother but the loss of a group community and the possible loss of a relationship. The loss of my mother seems to be hitting me hard today and last night. I was laughing about a conversation my sister and I had with our Dad about the birthday cards my Mom use to send us. She always included twenty dollars and we were trying to tell him she sent us hundreds but he saw right through the joke. That’s when it hit me I would not be getting that card this year that I so looked forward

Mona also was a teacher and a friend. She was around when I was in the 6 th grade. She was our Music teacher. She instilled in me a love of music. Until I met her I had no idea that I could sing. I fell in love with singing with a little help. She also gave me the first lessons in self esteem. Until I met her I felt very little worth. I remember the first time she called me a nut and I was so hurt. Her response was “Nuts grow on trees, trees are part of nature, and God made all of nature”. She was the first to make me understand that ALL things made by God are beautiful.

Julia C is a teacher I had in Elementary school. I just loved/hated her. She was very strict and that is what I hated, because lets face it even then I was lazy. She however, saw through that and helped me see that science was not “bad”. She also fostered in me a love for science fiction and showed me that the imagination could take you anywhere. She helped me learn to cope with my abuse issues, though I never knew that until years later.

The Wise woman is actually Deborah Thompson-Wise and she is one of my mentors in EFM (Education for Ministry). I knew her before EFM but have gotten to know her much better since then. DTW as she signs is a wonderful person. She has taught me more about the Bible, religion, and theology than any pastor or priest ever has. Her insight into the spiritual world is amazing. I wish everyone could learn from her. She has shown me how to give a quite caring for those around you. She has shown me in many ways that I am stronger than I ever thought. She is truly the “Wise Woman”.

As those of you who have bothered to read my blog you probably noticed that I did not finish my women series. I do plan on finishing. In fact it is very important to me that I finish. I just had life get in the way right now. March 19 th my mother died. I have not been able to write about that or anything so far. The last month has been very hard for me and I do want to get on with life and know that I will, it’s just I don’t do well with emotional things. Maybe I will try and write a little a day, or at least try. For now this is the best I can do as I go through my grief.

Marita is an Angel. She is what I like to call Jesus here on Earth. I have known her for three years and each year I learn more and more about her. I see the love and compassion she has for others and it makes me want, no desire, to be more like her. She has taught me how one person can do so much and yet take so little credit. She has helped me see the beauty in the earth through pictures. She has helped me get excited about life when all I wanted to do was give up on life. She has helped me see the love and commitment that Dawn and I have for each other. In a word she has been my savior many times.

Gayle was the Priest at the first Episcopal Church I attended on a regular basis. She was also the priest that I went through my confirmation with. She helped me see that God does not hold grudges. At the time I was in a low spiritual spot and would not take communion and she said “if you go to a guests house and they prepare a meal don’t you think it would be rude to not eat”. She made spiritual things seem easy to understand. She was and I am sure she still is a great Priest. Her sermons made me sit up and take notice as I always learned something from them. So to her I say thank you for leading me back to God. Thank you for being there when I needed guidance and leadership.

Today’s woman use to be a big part of my life, her name is Barbara. She is my ex’s (Cheryl) mother. I know you are not supposed to like your Mother-in-Law but I did. Barbara ran what we lovingly referred as the Dunwoody humane society and home for wayward homosexuals. There were five people (four of which were gay), six dogs and usually a cat or two living in one house with Barbara being the house mother. She took care of us and we took care of her. I learned that not all parents reject their gay children and some even welcomed friends and partners of their gay children. I miss our talks and our laughs. I learned that it’s ok to be a woman on your own and that you don’t have to have a man around unless you enjoy his company. When Dawn and I got together I sort of lost contact with Cheryl and her Mom and I regret that because I do miss Barbara and I miss her as a Mother.

Today I want to talk about my ex, Cheryl. We were together for four years. During this time we danced, played and lived out our twenties. She taught me that yes white women can dance and she was very good at it. I still can not move my hips like her. She also taught me never to play Trivial Pursuits with someone like her. She never lost. I hate that game now. She loved to travel and we did do some of that together. She showed me that sometimes it’s ok not to plan out a trip. She taught me to have “pride” in who I am. Most of all she taught me to laugh at all situations, from tents lifting on the wind, to cow sounds in hotels. The shocker to all this is that we are still friends, and although we don’t talk often when we do it’s like we have never had silence between us.

Today I celebrate my Therapist Connie. I was thinking what has she done or said that has shaped the woman I am…. Well jus about everything. I have been seeing her for about 9 years and in that time she has helped me through many crises. We talk about everything from history to current events. She is always on my side, and although I pay her to be on my side I think she would be anyway. In our discussions we found that in many ways we are very alike. The thing though that gets her here in this list is that she has helped me to see that I am a good person who can have emotions without falling apart. She has helped me to learn how to trust my own feelings and see that I am a strong woman. I am not through with therapy (God know I probably never will be) but I am a better person for it. I just wish more people in my family did it. So Thanks Connie for all you do, say, and don’t say. And thanks for saving my life.

It’s ironic that I chose today to write about my mother. This morning she went back into the hospital with heart problems this time. I fear that we may be getting to the end of her life, but she still kicking. My mother and I have a strange relationship. As a child I feared her and was always trying to get her approval. As an adult I have felt sorry for her. I look back and see someone who on the outside looks nice, happy and friendly.   However being inside the family I see someone different. I see a woman who I am not sure was ever happy. Don’t get me wrong I love her because she is my mother but it makes me sad that she is not nor can I remember her having joy. I get much of my stubbornness from her, which is not a very good trait. So today I worry about her and I think about her and I love her because that really is all I can do.

Today’s topic; my sister Angela. If anyone had told me thirty some odd years ago that we would be friend I would have laughed at you. When we were younger we fought all the time. We played tricks on each other and told on each other. At one time I thought I hated her. I am not sure when all of that changed but it did. When I was in my twenties I know I did not communicate much with her. This was mainly because I was too caught up in my Lesbian life. After I met Dawn, Angela and Dawn seem to become friends. When we decided to have a Holy Union we invited her (we thought she understood our relationship and somewhat supported it), this set our relationship back several years as she was very against what we were doing. It took many more years for the relationship to repair itself. Now though I think we get along great. When we are together we laugh till we cry and we tell each other our sad stories. I know that she is going through tough times and I wish I could help her. I am thankful tha

My women for the day are my best friend, partner, lover and soul mate. Dawn and I met at MCC Church in Atlanta in 1990. For me it was love at first sight. We still talk about our first date and laugh until we cry over the memories of that night (it’s too much to get into right now, remind me later). We have been though some really hard times that included being unemployed, sickness, deaths and separations. We also have had some really good times like, vacations, Holy Unions, our animals (or our children) and being together. She has taught me much over the years and I have taught her. We decided that one of my callings from God is to be her spouse, because had I not been there she would not be here today. She knows me better than myself sometimes (which can be scary) and can read me like a book. Without her I feel very incomplete. So this blog I dedicate to her. The she in me.

So it’s women history month and on the way home yesterday I started thinking about products for women. It started when I was watching a women walk in front of my car with these shoes that were spiked and pointy. In my head I thought “you know some man had to come up with that idea because no women would think of that torture”. That led me to thinking about dresses and how I hate them but some women love them and this led to how at one time all people, including men wore dresses (You can see the ADD working in my brain). I wondered when this just became a women thing. Then I went back to the shoes and thought you know if the shoe hurts why wear it. I mean if my feet hurt I am so miserable. If I don’t like what I wear I am miserable. However, being short and rotund, most clothes are not made for me. I really like sticking to my jeans (or khakis if at work) and tees (or golf shirts at work). I should not, although, think ill of those women who do like the fashion they wear. I just don’t u

I am so excited about this coming weekend. I will be going to Grace Point for my EFM (Education for Ministry) retreat. I really look foward to this every year. Sadly though this is my last year. But it will be fun.

I was thinking of my mother this morning, which lead me to thinking about my life and attitude. I do not want to end up like my mother. She seems so unhappy and seems to have no joy in her life. It made me think what brings me happiness and joy in my life. I have things that come to mind immediately like Dawn. I know that without her I feel less complete and when we both are feeling good (not depressed) then we have a lot of fun just being together. My second thought is of my dogs. They show me what it truley means to love unconditionally. They don't care what I have done or have not done they still meet me at the door with love it their eyes. I also think of my neice and nephew. They make me proud and I love to talk with them. I am not saying that these beings don't make me mad or hurt me its just that I know that losing any of them would hurt me greatly. So I guess the question is what brings you joy and happiness?

For those of you concerned thank you. I feel much better today. I think I needed a day of rest. My soul needs down time and I have not had that in a few weeks. Today I slept till 9 played my game (Wizard 101), read and above all got a hair cut. A hair cut may seem like a small thing but to me it is the best feeling in the world. I don't go to some fancy parlor and pay a huge amount, I just go to the cheapest place. It is the act of having the hair removed that is the difference. To me its like the cares of my life being trimmed off. It sound stupid when I say it out loud but its how I feel. So the other thing is this book I am reading "When Women were Warriors Book 1" by Catherine M. Wilson. I really like it. The story follows this young women who goes to a land away from her family and is companioned with a warrior. It's their story and how they are from two different worlds and yet they come to trust each other and count on each other. There is a passage in the

Enough already! I have always heard the God would not put more on you than you can handle. SO STOP IT ALREADY, I CAN”T BREATH ANYMORE, I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE; BACK OFF. I don’t know if I was heard, no one listens to me anyway why should God. I really do feel as though the elephant is on my chest. I can no longer breath, I just want to sit and cry. In my family I have to be the one in control because I am the only one that is either no mad or will see things as they really are. My mother will only do things at the threat of me being call or me going there. My spouse is without a job and sleeps all day and stays up late playing. Bill collectors are calling and telling me I’m late. Friends make me feel bad for being firm with my family and telling them to buck up. My boss always finds fault and never praises. My house is a total mess. If there were a fire we would die because we could not get out. It looks a lot like those hoarder shows or something from “Clean House”. And then you have the

I have found myself reading a lot of Lesbian fiction (mainly love stories) and I really need to ease up. Its not the sex or anything instead its what it does to me. First it makes me not want to do anything else but read. This is not good seeing as I have a job and all. I just can not get enough. Second it makes me question my love life. I hate that. I know that I am with the person I love and she loves me. The question comes in with are we each others soul mates. Am I truly the best person for her and she for me. I know that I feel very empty without her and miss her when we are apart. Since I grew up with a warped sense of love I just don't know. I look in the mirror and all I see is a plain, overweight, aging, sometimes bitter woman who feels in a hole. Ok yes I know this is depression and I need help. Alright lets just say I am overtired and very bored with life. And yet life just goes on. PS here is one of the books I have indulged in lately.

I had to spend three days recently in a hospital with my mother who had a stroke. While in there with her I realized, or should I say it was made clearer, that my mother is a bitter old woman. She puts on an act for many so they don't see it. The bad thing is that my sister, who is already under a large amount of stress, takes the brunt of mothers meaness. I don't get as much because I am out of town. I hate it though because I sometimes find myself afarid I will end up like her. So today I saw the quote from below and decided I needed to read this everyday and try and change my attitude about life. So here I go changing again. Stay tuned and hold on. "May today there be peace within you. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith and belief in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with