Today is a day of pain. I am in many different types of pain. My bodily pain is strong today. Many times I can think away the bodily pain and I don’t feel it. This is not one of those days. My joints ache and sitting at my desk (which is what I do all day) hurts. Although I know standing would be no better. I am not a woman who sheds many tears but today there will be many shed.
I am in emotional pain as well. Today seems to be one of those days when all of my loss is pouring in on me. The loss of not only my mother but the loss of a group community and the possible loss of a relationship. The loss of my mother seems to be hitting me hard today and last night. I was laughing about a conversation my sister and I had with our Dad about the birthday cards my Mom use to send us. She always included twenty dollars and we were trying to tell him she sent us hundreds but he saw right through the joke. That’s when it hit me I would not be getting that card this year that I so looked forward to. It’s not that I don’t get cards its more that it did not seem right until I got THAT card. Now I wonder if it will ever be right. The community I loss was a group of people I have spent the last four years with, my EFM group. I feel as though I have lost a group of friends. I know we all say we will stay in touch but with everyone’s busy life it never happens. The possible relationship loss is an entirely different matter. This is one that may or may not be a true loss but for now it is raw and hurts.
As I said before I am not one to cry and have always considered it a weakness on my part. However, I have shed more tears in the last 10 hours than I have in the last ten years. I know more are to come. I also know that I have to work today and appear to care for my job while on the inside I feel like dying. Wishing I could curl up in a corner and just sob. Sob for my loss and for my pain.