My ADD life

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Forgiveness, a word I have never truly understood. According to the dictionary it means: to give up resentment or to cease to feel resentment against. Resentment is defined as: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistant ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury. Sounds so simple. The problem is that is runs deeper than that. If I am in a theater and the person behind me kicks my seat and says I’m sorry I didn’t mean to do that I can easily say no problem and think just don’t do it again. If my partner makes me mad about something and says she sorry I just get over being mad (sometimes this may take a little time) I look at the big picture and say no problem. If someone does something that I have asked them not to do again I get mad and will eventually say no problem. So why talk about my problem with forgiveness? Here is where I have a problem, it’s the big things. Lets take two things going on in my life right now. Someone in my life sent an email that should

I really hate it but we have had to drop the price on the house. It was last appraised at 120 and we started the sale at 99900. Now we are down to 97500. I know there are things that need to be done like painting and refinishing the floors. I also know the economy sucks right now. I just hate this whole process. The buying is not bad but the selling is the worse.

I know there are some people out there who think long distance relationships are ok. I can tell you this is not for me. Right now D is in South Carolina and I am stuck in Tennessee. We do talk to each other every day, sometimes two or three times. The thing I miss is having someone to watch TV with, eat with, help let the dogs in and out, laugh and the stupid things people do and just the day to day contact. I guess that people that do well with this type of arrangement have many friends. I thought I had many friends here but I am finding that the list is not long at all. D asked if I had reached out to anyone and I had to say no. I mean it is a full time job working 40 hours, trying to get the house cleaned, take care of animals, pack and purge. When do I have time to reach out. As I said on facebook I am sad that I have lived here for 20 years and yet I feel more alone than i have in my entire life. IT SUCKS!!

Just wanted to share something I found about my name. HowManyOfMe.com There are people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Been awhile. I got sick and out of the habit of writting now I am addicted to a new game and so I have fallen to the wayside with writing. So whats on my mind. Well lets face it.... not much. My job and Church are stressing me out and so my body and mind have almost shut down. The one thing I have been pondering, since I live in Knoxville, is the trial of the guy who hacked Sarah Palins email . Most know that I am a liberal and that I think Palin is one big joke. I also am thankful McCain chose her as a running mate because if not he may have won. However this thing about this student does not sit right with me. Don't get me wrong I think he should be punished. I don't think he did it to hurt the campaign. I mean really she already looked ditzy enough, this kid did not have to help that. If he had wanted to hurt the campaign he would have gone after McCain. Having said that though he did do wrong and should be punished. So why does this not sit well with me. It's because

Many think I am not old, I'm 46. I am just now beginning to think maybe I'm older than I thought. I have been sick with an upper respitory infection. When I was younger (and drank a lot more) if I felt a cold or something coming on I would drink a little Nyquil go to bed early and be fine the next day. Now I end up going through 2 bottles of Nyquil sleep for a few DAYS and then end up going to the doctor. Colds and flus wipe me out now. They take everything out of me. I have coughed so much in the last week that my neck hurts and my upper stomach muscles ache. The worse part of this is that before any of this happened I found my first gray hair. I'm sure that by next week I will die of old age.

Well maybe not cow maybe just Holy week. I must admit that my faith has not been where it needs to be for this very special week. Not only did I not do anything for Lent I just have not been as excited about this week as I usually am. I have gone through periods in my life where I question my faith and maybe thats where I am. I really think its more than that. I know that there are things going on in the Church where I attend that really bother me. Don't get me wrong I love my Church and the people in it. I just don't like it right now. I know that there is not a Church or really any community of people that is perfect. I also know that the church is not my only way to God. It is however where I choose to worship. If I am not able to worship there any more than it may be time to change. I just am not ready to leave. We just recently called a new Rector and I am praying that some of the difficulties I am feeling will end soon.

For those of my readers that have clean houses and their life is in order this post is not for you. I do not keep a clean house. In fact most days I can't see any horizontal surface in my house. We never have people over unless they give a two week notice (so we can clean). So a friend of mine told me about a web page called flylady.net . We had already decided that this was the year to clean out our lives, both physically and mentally. So we decided we would check out the site. We are on day six and so far things are going well. I have cleaned the sink every night (except Sunday). I have dressed to the shoes everyday (again except for Sunday). Tonight I did 5 minutes in Zone 1 hot spot and did a load of laundry. This may seem like something normal people do but not me. I have come to realize that I am basically a lazy person. I will always take the easy way out. However I also know that I miss having people over. I miss being able to find things when I need them. I hate finding ou

I have not written in a few days because of sickness in the family. I have found that in a household if you are use to a certain amont of work from each person and someone is sick or not there your work increases. Now I know this is something that sounds like I should know but still. So the flu has struck our house and I have been busier than normal. So today I will again cover three things. One: the movie Julie & Julia . We watched it yesterday and it was much better than I thought it would be. It was funny (not like rolling in the floor funny more like laugh out loud funny), and intersting. I was very jelous that her blog did so much better than mine, but I was told it was because of content. Second: " The principal of St. John's Lutheran School was fired this weekend for espousing the shocking doctrine that maybe the church is in error and men don't have total authority over women."  I get so tired of this. For years men used the Bible to supress womens rig

Since I did not write yesterday due to illness, today I will cover three different things. First is about cities and states creating laws about texting and driving. This just seems like wasted law making time, but has to be done. When did people get to be so idiotic as to think they should do this? I mean over the years insurance companies and others have done studies showing how distracted drivers are more likely to have a wreck. Do you not think this is a distraction? When did we decide that we had to be able to be reached at every moment of our life? Are people afraid to be alone with their own thoughts? I enjoy driving most of the time because I can think and be by myself. This is where I figure my life out, but then that may be what’s wrong with the world. Second thing. They are discovering that Boy Scout leaders have been molesting boys. Does this come as a surprise to anyone? Any time you have an adult in a leadership role over children you run the chance of molestation. I

That is me. I jump from thing to thing sometimes in a matter of seconds. Sometimes it takes days. If I am really excited about something for more than a month it probably is something that will be around for awhile. I do take medicine for this ailment. It I didn't I would be unable to work. So one thing I have decide to try and do is to make a list of five things. Once I have finished all five I will then move on to five more. See one of the problems is that I get very overwhelmed and then I do nothing. Sort of like this blog. In the past I have tended to write about one specific thing but then I get bored. That is why this blog will have a little of everything. Oh I don't think I will make it into the blog hall of fame nor do I expect that I will have hundreds reading and following me. This is mainly about me and metrying to sort through this foggy brain of mine.

Saturday we went somewhere new. Let me say this does not happen often. We (Dawn and I) get in ruts, just like many people. Anyway last week we learned about a museum in of all places Gray Tennessee. I had only heard of Gray because I did a job up there. So this museum is the Natural History Museum at the Gray Fossil Site.  This is a great site and was very interesting. We paid the $10 for the tour and had access to everything at the museum. Our tour guide Ryan was great he was very informative and pointed out a lot of cool things about the site. We were able to go down fairly close to the pits where they were digging. I learned that at one time Shovel-tusked elephants roamed this area as well as saber tooth cats. It is just so hard to imagine. All of the fossils on the site go back to the Miocene era which is 4.5 - 7 million years. They also had a great dinosaur display set up (that will leave in May). Being a Christian sometimes I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the process o

is Sandra don't go back. You are to pretty and a wonderful person and you deserve so much more.

What you ask does that mean. Simply "don't ask don't tell". For those of you living under a rock for several years that is the military's answer to gays and lesbian serving in the miltary. When this issue first came up many years ago I had the same responce as I do today.... Why? Can these men and women not defend and die for their country just like a straight person, or a black person, or a jewish person. I really think that the major problem here is that the military is a manily male run organization and lets face it men think that all women and any gay man would be attracted to them. They are so afraid that the man in their unit would make a pass at them that they can't see allowing them in. I did read one article  in Think Progress that stated: "– 60% of Iraq and Afghanistan veterans believe that being gay or lesbian “has no bearing on a service member’s ability to perform their duties.” Only 29% disagree. – 73% of Iraq and Afghanistan veterans say i

Each day I am amazed at how low some people are. I just saw an article on one of our local websites about an 84 year old woman in a nursing home that was raped. How sick does a person have to be to do that. The really sad part is she did not know it had happened or, hopefully, she was not able to register the act as it happened. This had to be one sick man. What could he possibly gotten out of this act? Other than power and perhaps an orgasm. Is an orgasm even worth that. I just don't understand why you would not want to have sex with someone not capable of responding to you, but then I just don't understand rape. Then I read about women in Haiti being raped because of no security and no lighting. The article talked about how there has always been a problem with rape in the country because the military hands out coupons for food in exchange for sex. I always knew this was a poor country but I really had no idea this went on. It's bad enough that the women there have los

Thats all I can say. The day started out like any Monday me rushing around trying to get out and to work before the staff meeting started. The day even went pretty well till lunch. Then my computer at work decided to have a nervous breakdown. Well not so much the computer as Autocad (that's the program I use for my job). I get really frustrated with things I can't understand. Then I went to the bathroom and when I washed my hands I noticed there were no paper towels in the trash. Now this may seem like a stange thing to be comenting on so let me say I work with a bunch of guys. Many times they use the "womens" restroom because someone will be in theirs. The policy at the office is there are 9 men and 2 women so if theirs is occupied use ours. Many times they will use or bathroom because its cleaner or smells better. So anyway back to my story. I go in and as I wash my hands I see there are no towels in the trash. Now I have heard the door being closed at least three t

My mind sometimes get stuck on something and I just can't get it to leave. For the last month or so I have been very depressed. Some of that comes from the fact that I seem to always be in pain. I don't want to go to the doctor because I really don't think they can do anything. I mean it's just part of growing old. The other part of my depression is my life. I have recently started watching the show "Legend of the Seeker". It's a great show and is right up my alley. It has the knights of the round table feel but also the "Lord of the Rings" magic and mission. In the show the characters all have a destiny that they must fulfill. They have a purpose. They know why they are here. I have been questioning that lately. Why am I here? Should I have already accomplished something? Does my life have meaning? Does my life have value?

Ok so for those of us that work an typical week Friday is usually our best day. My job is very stressful and sometimes Fridays are the worst. We work on deadlines and usually those come on this day. Anyway, today was not to bad. I was able to stay ahead of the game and there was no major bomb that hit. So I was driving home in the rain trying to decide what to write, when I came across some kids out on a rope swing in the rain. They looked as if they could have cared less that it was pouring rain. This made me think about two of the times I also played out in the rain. One was when I was really young, around first grade I think, and I was at my babysitters house. Both my parents worked so I would stay at this ladies house when they were at work (for the life of me I can't remember her name). Anyway when it rained she had this big box of old clothes that she would let us dress up in. I was small for my age so most of the items were way to big for me. Anyway we would strip down to

I am amazed that the South still is as closed minded as it is. I was born in the South and really have no desire to live anywhere else. Having said that this region of the country is constantly embarassing me. Now before I go and upset a bunch of people let me say I know this is the "Bible Belt". So what do I speak of? I'm talking about Constance McMillen  and the cancellation of her prom all because she wanted to bring her girlfriend and wear a tux. Rather than face the issue and try and solve the problem the school system decides to ruin everyone fun. The bad thing is that everyone knows why they cancelled the dance. Now let me just say that being gay and a teenager is hard enough but being gay in a small southern town has got to be hell. I know it was for me. I have to applaude this girl and her would be date for at least standing up and having a voice. I know this will not be easy for her but in many ways she is paving the way for others.

I told myself that I would write everyday for a year. So I have looked all over today for something to write about. However, nothing ever just jumped out at me and caused a stir in my soul. So driving home from my class I started to panic. I'm not really sure why this stresses me out. So I'm thinking ok what will I say. I thought about talikng about my drive to work everyday and how I noticed that a family that moved into a house must be rednecks (they used a tire as a planter). I thought about writing about procrastinating on my taxes. I have them done I just need to e-file them. I also thought about taking about an embarrassing moment in my life after reading "Its Funny Till it Happends to You!" . But instead I just let these things drift in and out of my head because really my brain is almost asleep.

Here I go with todays issue. I write knowing no one is reading but do I care? Well yes of course I do. But I trudge on. So today in the Blogs I follow one caught my eye. Fiministe reported about a rapist on the UCONN campus. In this story they say that the guy raped an alumna who decided to report it to the campus athorities instead of the local police. The young man confessed to the crime and his punishment by the school was "deferred suspension". Now I don't want to appear as though I think his punishment was fair because I don't. However, why would she not go to the police. The article alluded to the fact that people will go this route to save from going through the stress of the legal system. Having been raped myself I don't understand. It does upset me that this guy has his slap on the wrist and is free to go and rape again, and you know he will. But I am just as upset with the victim for not telling the correct authorities. I am upset with the school bec

Ok so I can’t begin to tell you how happy I am the Sandra Bullock won the award. Her movie “The Blind Side” was by far the best movie she has ever done. That being said it was high time she won. So I have been spending a bit of time reading about women issues. I mean I am one and you would think that I would have cared about this before now. I guess when I was younger (in my 20’s) and just coming out I did care more. I think though that as I have gotten older I don’t think about it so much. Maybe part of the problem is that I work in an office of almost all men. There is one other woman in my office and we stick together. So I guess what I mean is that when you are around them all day you or at least I tend to forget that I am woman. Not that I think I am turning into a man, God knows I would not want that. I mean guys are ok but….yuck. So anyway back to my reading up on women. I did not grow up in the bra burning age so don’t and have never felt like a feminist. I do believe that

Just to show how out of touch with my feminist side I just read where it's Nation Women History Month. I didn't even know there was such a thing. However, I think it's really cool. I guess I don't think about it much because I work almost with all men. I sometimes forget that there are women out there that are strong. After reading Erins' post on her blog it started me thinking who are some strong women that do or have inspired me.  The first woman I thought of was Xena but I think that is more of a lust situation and not a inspiring thing. Then I though about Ashley Judd and all the work she has done for HIV teens and how I read she was back at school just so she could speak better on the topic. The second person I thought of was Sandra Bullock. Even though I think she is so hot I also think that she is a very genuine person. She has achieved an amount of fame and yet she appears to be the same as she has always been. I like that she is so down to earth and carin

I have never been much on journaling so every blog I have started ends up dying. Today I decided I would keep this blog no matter. I mean it's not geared toward any one thing and it can just be about me and my head. Today my head is strongly in a movie I watched yesterday called "Loving Annabelle". I can not get this out of my head. In many ways it parralles my own experience and yet is totally different. My main complaint about this movie is that like many Lesbian movies it does not have a happy ending. It's no wonder that youg gay and lesbian people grow up thinking that they have to constantly switch partners. I mean if your life is always going to be one heart ache after another why work at it.