My ADD life

I think it is time to begin talking about my Mom and my life since she has died. I never knew that her dying would have such a profound affect on my life. Someone told me recently that since she died I have raised her to sainthood status in my mind. I don’t think that is true. I know who and what my mother was. I always saw her as a bitter woman one that was never happy. However at her funeral I saw that she had many friends and was loved by many. So about my mother. I never felt that she really loved me though I am sure in her way she did. I always felt strange telling her that I loved her. Like that in some way she would think me weak. Because of this I am not sure that I even know what love is anymore. I know that I also felt strange hugging her or showing any affection towards her. But despite all of this I did love her. I always wondered why she seemed mad at everything but I wonder now if she was just unhappy with us. In my adult life I always blamed myself thinking maybe it had

Today is a day of pain. I am in many different types of pain. My bodily pain is strong today. Many times I can think away the bodily pain and I don’t feel it. This is not one of those days. My joints ache and sitting at my desk (which is what I do all day) hurts. Although I know standing would be no better. I am not a woman who sheds many tears but today there will be many shed. I am in emotional pain as well. Today seems to be one of those days when all of my loss is pouring in on me. The loss of not only my mother but the loss of a group community and the possible loss of a relationship. The loss of my mother seems to be hitting me hard today and last night. I was laughing about a conversation my sister and I had with our Dad about the birthday cards my Mom use to send us. She always included twenty dollars and we were trying to tell him she sent us hundreds but he saw right through the joke. That’s when it hit me I would not be getting that card this year that I so looked forward