My ADD life

I am so excited about this coming weekend. I will be going to Grace Point for my EFM (Education for Ministry) retreat. I really look foward to this every year. Sadly though this is my last year. But it will be fun.

I was thinking of my mother this morning, which lead me to thinking about my life and attitude. I do not want to end up like my mother. She seems so unhappy and seems to have no joy in her life. It made me think what brings me happiness and joy in my life. I have things that come to mind immediately like Dawn. I know that without her I feel less complete and when we both are feeling good (not depressed) then we have a lot of fun just being together. My second thought is of my dogs. They show me what it truley means to love unconditionally. They don't care what I have done or have not done they still meet me at the door with love it their eyes. I also think of my neice and nephew. They make me proud and I love to talk with them. I am not saying that these beings don't make me mad or hurt me its just that I know that losing any of them would hurt me greatly. So I guess the question is what brings you joy and happiness?

For those of you concerned thank you. I feel much better today. I think I needed a day of rest. My soul needs down time and I have not had that in a few weeks. Today I slept till 9 played my game (Wizard 101), read and above all got a hair cut. A hair cut may seem like a small thing but to me it is the best feeling in the world. I don't go to some fancy parlor and pay a huge amount, I just go to the cheapest place. It is the act of having the hair removed that is the difference. To me its like the cares of my life being trimmed off. It sound stupid when I say it out loud but its how I feel. So the other thing is this book I am reading "When Women were Warriors Book 1" by Catherine M. Wilson. I really like it. The story follows this young women who goes to a land away from her family and is companioned with a warrior. It's their story and how they are from two different worlds and yet they come to trust each other and count on each other. There is a passage in the

Enough already! I have always heard the God would not put more on you than you can handle. SO STOP IT ALREADY, I CAN”T BREATH ANYMORE, I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE; BACK OFF. I don’t know if I was heard, no one listens to me anyway why should God. I really do feel as though the elephant is on my chest. I can no longer breath, I just want to sit and cry. In my family I have to be the one in control because I am the only one that is either no mad or will see things as they really are. My mother will only do things at the threat of me being call or me going there. My spouse is without a job and sleeps all day and stays up late playing. Bill collectors are calling and telling me I’m late. Friends make me feel bad for being firm with my family and telling them to buck up. My boss always finds fault and never praises. My house is a total mess. If there were a fire we would die because we could not get out. It looks a lot like those hoarder shows or something from “Clean House”. And then you have the

I have found myself reading a lot of Lesbian fiction (mainly love stories) and I really need to ease up. Its not the sex or anything instead its what it does to me. First it makes me not want to do anything else but read. This is not good seeing as I have a job and all. I just can not get enough. Second it makes me question my love life. I hate that. I know that I am with the person I love and she loves me. The question comes in with are we each others soul mates. Am I truly the best person for her and she for me. I know that I feel very empty without her and miss her when we are apart. Since I grew up with a warped sense of love I just don't know. I look in the mirror and all I see is a plain, overweight, aging, sometimes bitter woman who feels in a hole. Ok yes I know this is depression and I need help. Alright lets just say I am overtired and very bored with life. And yet life just goes on. PS here is one of the books I have indulged in lately.

I had to spend three days recently in a hospital with my mother who had a stroke. While in there with her I realized, or should I say it was made clearer, that my mother is a bitter old woman. She puts on an act for many so they don't see it. The bad thing is that my sister, who is already under a large amount of stress, takes the brunt of mothers meaness. I don't get as much because I am out of town. I hate it though because I sometimes find myself afarid I will end up like her. So today I saw the quote from below and decided I needed to read this everyday and try and change my attitude about life. So here I go changing again. Stay tuned and hold on. "May today there be peace within you. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith and belief in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with